Exercise #2 in the Motivating the Unmotivated training series. 

I have a hard time with this one. I definitely want to be perfect. If I were perfect, I would never be embarrassed and I would be totally confident. I like that my desire to be perfect helps motivate me to try harder. But I do not like that sometimes I am so worried that I am not perfect that I stop thinking. Wanting perfection creates too much pressure, especially since it is an unrealistic and unattainable goal. I am pretty sure I am not the only person who feels this way.

Sometimes students appear unmotivated to do their work because they are scared of failing (that hot topic we will keep discussing) – they are scared of not being perfect (or even “good enough”). Our feelings of self-worth are tied to our performance. This can result in performance anxiety and a debilitating fear of failure, followed by a decision, conscious or unconscious, to avoid doing work.  

We need some anxiety to help motivate us, so that we do our work and study a little harder for our next test. But too much stress can encumber us (Gladwell, 2013).

If people have too much performance anxiety, “they tend to view more situations as potentially threatening… They have an irrational fear that a catastrophe will occur and feel that they are unable to control the outcomes” (Huberty, 2009). With all of that worry and fear, it is impossible to concentrate on a homework problem.

Even if your learner can concentrate, she may be avoiding work because then she can blame something aside from herself for her poor performance. She creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that frees her from the shame of not doing well: If I do not try hard, that is why I did badly. Not because I am not smart enough. The fear at the root of this thought process is: Even if I tried, I would not do well, and that would hurt my feelings of self-worth. That fear is serious. We need to help our learners deal with it in a productive manner.

Signs that your learner is anxious:

• They have trouble concentrating, paying attention, remembering information, and solving problems.
• They are overly sensitive and worried.
• They have cognitive distortions.
• They are restless, avoids certain tasks, and withdraws from groups and conversations.
• They exhibit erratic behavior and irritability.
• They are a perfectionist.
• They seek out easy tasks. (They are looking for a “small win“). 
• They have recurrent, localized pain, a rapid heart rate, flushing of skin, perspiration, headaches, nausea, and trouble sleeping.

Action Items

• Some General Advice
  • Be consistent.
  • Be patient.
  • Listen.
  • Your learners need sleep and exercise!
  • They also need breaks! When I am overwhelmed, I like to step away from my desk and go to a quiet place where I can be alone. Just by switching locations, the stress decreases and I am able to think of ways to solve the problem. Growing up, I used to listen to music or take a quick “dance party” break. Schoolwork is actually not life-threatening (as my dad likes to say, “No one is shooting at you. So, you are going to be okay.”) and the break helps me remember that.
  • “Maintain a consistent but flexible routine for homework, chores, activities, and so forth” (Huberty, 2009). Consistency is key, but so is being flexible and showing that you understand your kid’s feelings. This means maintaining boundaries, but still finding ways to help your learner achieve his goals, such as making the soccer team or reducing his social anxiety (for instance, by letting him go to a friend’s house during the week even if that is not typically allowed).
• Do not ask for or expect perfection.
  • Have and communicate realistic expectations and achievable goals. 
  • “Avoid being overly critical, disparaging, impatient, or cynical” (Huberty, 2009). 
    Exhibiting these characteristics hurts your learner’s self-perception. Your learner is learning. Learning is hard work. It is okay (actually, it is good) for the work to be difficult. Praise her small wins, just like you would when she was learning to walk.
• Focus on and praise effort and growth instead of perfection and grades.
• If you ask them about their school work and they say things such as, “I’m just not good at that” or “I just do not know how,” this could be a sign of self-talk gone bad, i.e., “predictions of failure, self-degrading thoughts” (Cornell University, “Understanding Academic Anxiety“).
  • Work to improve your learner’s self-talk. This has to do with establishing a growth mindset (another hot topic).
    • “With critical self-talk, identify why you are being negative and focus on making it better. Don’t say: ‘I bombed that presentation.’ Say: ‘That wasn’t your best effort. You need to buckle down now and try harder'” (Bernstein, 2014).

• View mistakes as learning opportunities. After communicating that it was okay to make that mistake, talk to your child about what they have learned from it.
  
• Help your learner develop productive study skills. I read How To Study by David Griswold the summer going into 8th grade. It was painful. But, it has great tips.
• If your child confides in you that he is stressed or anxious, explicitly recognize those feelings as valid. When anxious, our heart rate increases, we start sweating, and our muscles tense up. When we are too anxious, our fight-or-flight instincts take over. In this situation, it is hard to focus because we feel threatened. For me, I start to think about everything and nothing at the same time. I am unable to problem solve and only able to freak out. If this seems to happen to your learner too, teach him some strategies to calm down.
  • Relaxation techniques
    • Breathing exercises to slow his heart rate down. When we slow ourselves down, we give ourselves the opportunity to think through what is happening and realize that it is not so threatening and that we can deal with it.
    • Focus on the exhale. Make it longer than the inhale. Inhaling excites us. Exhaling calms us down.
    • Practice mindfulness.
  • Organize. I like lists. When I am stressed, I write a list of all the small, individual tasks that need to be done. Then I can accomplish a bunch of the easy ones quickly so that I feel great about myself fast. 
  • Create a routine so that when your learner starts getting anxious, they know exactly what to do:
    • Go to room.
    • Listen to 3 songs on iPhone.
    • Go back to work space.
    • Write down why stressed.
    • Organize self.
    • Get back to work.
• Review their homework with them. If a question is answered incorrectly, that is okay. Do not express a negative judgment for an incorrect answer. Do not say, “What were you thinking?!” That can be taken as criticism and hurt your learner’s feelings as well as your relationship with them with respect to homework. Instead, you could ask, “So, tell me how you came to this answer?” Work on it like a collaborator, not a superior.
  • Perhaps your learner is having difficulty understanding the question. Help rephrase the question until your learner understands what the teacher is looking for.
  • When I am anxious, I skip the instructions because I want to finish quickly. This is always a mistake. Help your learner slow down and read all the instructions.

One final note: “Often, reasoning is not effective in reducing anxiety, so do not criticize your child for being unable to respond to rational approaches” (Huberty, 2009). This is hard to fully understand and execute effectively. The anxiety they feel is irrational. So before you rationally discuss solutions with them, you need to bring them to a rational state of mind. Criticizing and hurting feelings (even if unintentional) will not help.

Resources:

Bernstein, E. (2014). ‘Self-Talk’: When talking to yourself, the way you do it matters. The Wall Street Journal. 

Bradberry, T. (2014). How successful people quash stress. Forbes. 

Center for Learning and Teaching. Understanding Academic Anxiety. Cornell University.

Gladwell, M. (2013). David and Goliath: Underdogs, misfits, and the art of battling giants. Little, Brown, and Company: New York.

Grohol, J. M. 15 Common Cognitive Distortions. PsychCentral.

Hansen, D. (2012). A guide to mindfulness at work. Forbes. 

Huberty, T. (2009). Test performance and anxiety. Principal Leadership. National Association of Secondary School Principals: 12-16.