The way we give advice matters. People often get annoyed when others try to give them advice. People don’t like for other people to tell them what to do. Kids also do not like for their parents to tell them what to do. When parents give advice, kids often think, “They just don’t understand my situation.” And then they don’t follow that advice. One of the best ways to get around this problem with your kid, and to give advice without it feeling like advice, is to tell the other person about a shared experience you had and talk about how it worked out for you.
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IN THIS EPISODE, YOU’LL HEAR ABOUT…
- The way we give advice matters. People often get annoyed when others try to give them advice, kind of like I do now that I’m a mom and everyone feels like they have important information to tell me. Their intentions I’m sure are most of the time good. But the way they communicate that information matters.
- The way we give our kids advice matters too!
- People don’t like for other people to tell them what to do. It creates a power imbalance in the relationship, where one person knows the right thing to do and the other person is expected to follow the advice – kind of like a parent-child relationship. This threatens the person’s autonomy. And we love our autonomy. So we naturally dislike it when someone else threatens our autonomy, so we naturally do not like being given unsolicited advice.
- Kids also love their autonomy. They crave independence. Unfortunately for them, they are currently in the parent-child relationship so they are going to get some advice and they will be expected to take it.
- But sometimes kids don’t take their parents’ advice. They actually often do have control over what they do and sometimes they behave in ways they shouldn’t even after you’ve given them advice (and maybe even some warnings and consequences).
- One of the best ways to give advice without it feeling like advice is to tell the other person about a shared experience you had and talk about how it worked out for you.
- By sharing an experience and connecting it to what’s happening in your kid’s life right now, you show them that you really do understand. You also give them the opportunity to learn from your experiences so they can make better decisions faster, instead of having to learn everything for themselves.
- When you tell your kid a story, they go along with you for the ride and are therefore more likely to learn from that experience. So it’s easier to learn from shared experiences than it is to learn from advice.
- Now you can’t always share an experience. Sometimes advice is the only option you have. But if you can share an experience, it’s more likely to be effective.
- The homework this week is to tell us what your kids are struggling with, what experience you shared with them, and how it helped them to make a good decision. Send your homework along with any other comments or questions to email@example.com or message us on Instagram and Facebook at Fireborn Institute or tweet at us at SisuFireborn. Also, let us know if you are in need of some more shared experience examples and we’d be happy to do a follow up with some examples based on what you need!
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this episode. How do you help your children study and get ready for exams?
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